How to Reparent Yourself and Become the Parent Your Child Needs

Parents often parent how they were parented.

Obviously, it’s not that simple. What I mean is that every person has ghosts from the nursery, times during their upbringing when their needs were not being met. And these ghosts follow us into parenting, often from generation to generation.

You may take conscious steps to do things differently than your parents, but the patterns are ingrained so deeply that you have to reach inside yourself and heal from how you were parented so that you can be the parent your child needs.

Have you ever noticed yourself snapping at your child more than you would like? Or feeling scared when your child starts crying? You may find that certain behaviors your child exhibits trigger you more than others. When we reflect on why we are reacting the way we are and where those reactions come from, we can begin to reparent ourselves and become the parent that the younger version of us needed and that our child needs.

“But, Morgan, I had wonderful parents and a wonderful upbringing, and parenting is still hard.”

Our triggers come from all kinds of experiences, not just adverse childhood experiences. We can all think of aspects of our character and personality that come from our parents. And no parent is perfect. There were times in all of our lives when our needs were not fully met. This is our chance to finally meet those needs so that we can bring our whole selves to our children.

Ghosts in the Nursery

Infant mental health pioneer Selma Fraiberg introduced the concept of “ghosts in the nursery” to describe how unresolved experiences from our own childhood can reappear in our relationships with our children. She wrote, “In every nursery there are ghosts,” meaning that every child is influenced by how their parent was parented. These patterns have a way of sneaking into parenting, whether your childhood experiences were mostly positive or not.

So, what do the ghosts look like? They show up in the moments you react to your child instead of responding. They live in our bodies as somatic memories.

• If you were shamed or punished for crying as a child, your toddler's tantrums will likely feel like an absolute emergency to your nervous system.

• You aren't just reacting to their noise; the "ghost" in the room is your inner child feeling terrified of the emotional chaos.

That is not to say there is nothing we can do about our ghosts. As Alicia Lieberman notes, we have angels in the nursery as well. Parents can provide attunement, understanding, and unconditional love that supports a child’s self-worth and gives them something to draw from when they become adults parenting their own children.

At the same time, parents can heal the ghosts in the nursery through reflection or, when needed, through therapy. We can also reparent our inner child, becoming the parent we needed and making ourselves more available to be the parent our child needs.

Our Inner Child

We all have an inner child. The child we once were when we still had so much life, wonder, and possibility in us. The most raw version of ourselves, where many of our wants, needs, and desires originate.

As we grow up, we often lose touch with that inner child. Yet that child lived through experiences that may not have been developmentally appropriate and had to find ways to survive. There were times when our inner child didn’t feel seen, felt left out or abandoned, felt scared, or felt like they were not worth taking care of.

Whatever your experience was, your inner child deserved to be seen, heard, comforted, and understood.

Inside all of us is a wounded child who is still reacting and surviving. We have to care for that child. We have to help them understand that they no longer need to put up the same walls, fear the same fears, or carry the same worries they once did.

We are grown now. We can take care of ourselves.

It’s time to become the parent we needed as children.

Reparenting Yourself

No matter how great your upbringing was, parents are not perfect. They cannot be perfectly attuned all the time or meet every need. Those moments of disconnection affect all of us, and they often show up in our parenting. Left unresolved, they can be passed down through the generations.

But we have an opportunity to stop the cycle.

We are adults now. We no longer rely on others for our survival. We can take care of ourselves and be there for ourselves. We can meet our own needs. Yet there is still an inner child inside us whose needs were not fully met. That child needs reparenting, parenting that responds to those unmet needs with compassion, understanding, and care.

So what does that look like? I think it starts with honesty.

Your parents did the best they could with what they had, AND they made mistakes. Both things are true.

You know what else is true? You deserved a parent who met your needs, and now you can be that parent for yourself.

It can sound like:

• “I am feeling overwhelmed right now, but I am safe.”

• “My child’s big emotions are not a sign that I am failing.”

• “I can pause before I respond.”

• “I do not need to shame myself to grow.”

It can look like taking care of your body by eating regular meals, drinking water, and getting enough sleep. It can look like speaking to yourself more gently when you make a mistake. It can look like taking a breath before responding to your child instead of reacting from fear, shame, or panic.

The goal is not perfection. The goal is a more regulated, more compassionate relationship with yourself.

The parent you want to be for your child, the parent you are capable of being, you can be for yourself too.

Your Health and Happiness Matter

Your child needs a healthy, emotionally well parent more than they need a perfect parent.

You are the environment in which your child grows and develops. The healthier, more regulated, and more compassionate you become toward yourself, the more emotional availability you have to offer your child.

So speak kindly to yourself. Take care of yourself as you would take care of your child. Get the help and support you need. Caring for yourself is not a distraction from your child. It is an investment in your child. You are one of the most important influences in your child’s life.

Your health matters.

Your happiness matters.

Closing

All parents make mistakes. What matters is our willingness to reflect on those mistakes, learn from them, and heal from them so that they are not passed down to the next generation.

Now that we are capable adults, we can reparent ourselves and become the parents our children need us to be.

At Haven Family Consulting, I help parents understand their child’s behavior, which often helps them better understand their own reactions and become more intentional in their parenting. If you need extra support as a parent, I would love to talk with you.

Book a free consultation call today to learn how I can support you and your family’s needs.