Understanding Behavior

A parent once came to me feeling overwhelmed by her young son’s meltdowns.

 

Like all children, he got angry sometimes. But when he became upset, things escalated quickly. His anger was often triggered by not getting his way, getting hurt, or conflicts with his siblings. When he entered meltdown mode, he would scream, yell every curse word he knew, reject comfort, and throw things. If the conflict involved his siblings, he might hit, kick, or bite them.

 

It could feel frightening for everyone involved. This is a pattern I see often in my work with young children.

 

His mother felt lost. She understood that connection comes before correction, but he refused comfort when he was upset. Nothing seemed to calm him down. The situation would often escalate until he was soothed with a tablet or a treat, and everyone would be exhausted afterward.

 

Underneath it all, everyone’s nervous systems were overwhelmed.

 

So we began by observing.

 

We paid attention to what set him off, what early signs showed he was becoming dysregulated, and what he seemed to be communicating through his behavior.

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When he didn’t get his way, the feeling was almost unbearable for him. He did not yet have the internal skills to tolerate frustration, disappointment, or pain. Instead, he externalized those feelings through aggression and explosive behavior. Transitions, cooperation, and physical discomfort were especially hard for him to handle.

 

This wasn’t a failure of parenting. This was a child with an underdeveloped self-regulatory system who needed help learning how to tolerate big emotions. The goal was not to eliminate his feelings. The goal was to teach him that feelings can be survived.

 

Young children cannot learn this through explanation alone. They learn through experience.

So the first step was helping the parent regulate herself.

 

When a child is overwhelmed, the adult’s nervous system becomes the anchor. Before responding to the child, we practiced noticing her own state and doing what she needed to do to stay calm and steady.

Then, instead of trying to reason with him or stop the emotions, she stayed with him while he was upset.

 

If he tried to hit or throw, she would gently hold his hands and say, “I’m going to help your body stay safe.”

 

She wasn’t punishing him or negotiating with him. She was helping him borrow her calm while the emotional storm passed.And like all emotional storms, it did pass.

 

Once he had settled and was capable of listening again, she would acknowledge what happened. “You wanted to keep playing, and I told you it was time for dinner. That made you very mad.”

Being understood helped him feel calmer and less alone in his feelings.

 

Then came the correction. “We don’t hit, kick, bite, or scream when we are angry.”

 

Instead, he was given alternatives such as:

 

• Stomping his feet

• Punching a pillow

• Running outside

• Clenching his fists

 

Over time, he began to learn that anger could be expressed safely.

 

Finally, the boundary stayed in place.

“It is still dinner time. Do you want to hop to the table or march like a soldier?”

Keeping things light helped restore connection while still maintaining structure.

 

Today, meltdowns still happen from time to time, which is normal for a developing child. But they are less intense and much less frequent. Most importantly, the family now understands what is happening and feels confident responding to it.

 

Many children with intense emotions are not “out of control.” They are learning skills they haven’t developed yet.

 

When we understand behavior, things begin to change.

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Feeling Overwhelmed by Your Child’s Behavior?

 

You don’t have to figure it out alone.

 

I help families understand behavior and find a way forward.

 

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